Failing at Digital Minimalism? Try This Two Step Process

Most New Year’s resolutions fail. Every January, many of us set lofty goals for the new year, promising ourselves “this time will be different” only to end up in the same spot. Why does this happen?

When we pursue self improvement, it’s easy to pick unrealistic goals. This is especially tempting if you follow lifestyle influencers that seem to be living perfect lives. Self improvement seekers may also stack multiple goals on top of one another, without realizing how extreme this is. An example of unrealistic goal setting would be “I am going to wake up at 5am every day and go for a run” when the person is currently sleeping until 9am and doesn’t run. Then they beat themselves up mentally, calling themselves a loser and a failure. This self criticism slashes motivation and makes us feel like our own worst enemy.

Like any lifestyle change, goal setting for digital minimalism can easily fall into this trap. When I first tried to stop my surfing, I attempted “cold turkey” and forbade myself from the internet. All that ended up accomplishing was me begging my friend to give me my smartphone back and immediately tumbling back into a black hole of Youtube and Reddit.

I found a more realistic version of this plan, and that included blocking myself from the internet for a portion of the day, and then leaving time to do whatever internet stuff I wanted. If I didn’t allow myself some access, I would always find a way around my blocks.

That was step one of a two step process: Step One: Set realistic goals.

It can be heartbreaking to lower expectations at first. We want to be better, yesterday. But choosing more realistic goals makes us more likely to achieve them, which will further motivate our progress. Our goals can create feedback loops. Set them two high and you’ll be stuck in defeat, make them realistic and your success will compound into more motivation.

Which leads us to the second step…

Step Two: Cultivate self compassion.

I’m a perfectionist. When I decided to break up with my phone, I had an all or nothing approach. If I slipped up, I felt like the whole day was ruined and stopped trying. I would mentally berate myself and feel like a loser. This, surprisingly enough, did not help my habits.

We have to go easy on ourselves, especially if we’re just beginning to change our habits. These things take time, and a little self-forgiveness and self-compassion goes a long way.

As defined by noted self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff, self compassion has three components.

1. Self-kindness vs self-judgement.

If we want to change, we need to become our own best friend. When we beat ourselves up over mistakes, we cultivate a hostile attitude that leads to feeling even worse. Instead, this self criticism can be taken with a grain of salt. We can replace those thoughts with more helpful ones. For example, the thought “I’m lazy.” can be accompanied by first noticing that it’s just a thought, and then countering it by affirming “This is difficult for me, and I’m trying my best.”

2. Common Humanity vs Isolation

Remember, everyone screws up sometimes. When we’re suffering, it can often feel like we’re the only one who is going through something. In reality, struggling with maintaining good habits is a very normal thing. Digital minimalism can be especially challenging when you’re up against an industry that wants to keep you hooked. I’ve yet to meet a digital minimalist who’s perfect, we all slip up sometimes.

3. Mindfulness vs Over-identification

Mindfulness is a state of non-judgmental awareness. We have to remember that the feelings and thoughts we have in response to mistakes are just feelings and thoughts, we don’t need to get swept up in them or take them as the truth.

Remember, it’s okay and even expected to slip up sometimes. What matters is that we learn to support ourselves through this process of aligning our habits with our values. It’s tough work we’re doing, but there’s no reason to make it tougher by listening to our inner critic. Being gentle with ourselves and picking realistic goals is key to creating a healthy relationship with technology.

-Madi

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